An Overlooked Symptom of Postpartum Depression

This is going to be a little difficult for me to write. As a psychology major, I learned a lot about how to cope with stress and anxiety. Writing it all down has a way of freeing yourself from the feelings you want to keep pushing away. The reason I went to college and majored in psychology was because of how much I struggled with anxiety my entire life. I wanted to learn about the brain and how it works. Why do people do what they do? Why do people feel how they feel?

I have come such a long way from how I used to be. Since I have become a mom, I have been in the best mental state I have ever been in. I found an inner strength I never knew I had; a confidence I never knew existed. I never wanted my children to see me the way I used to be. Although it was my reality, I am determined for them to see me cope with stressors in a healthy, productive way.

The first couple of weeks that Weston was here, were completely and utterly exhausting… as expected! But mentally, I felt great. I felt so proud of myself for achieving the VBAC I have worked for. The initial transition from 1 to 2 went smoothly. Peyton fell in love with her baby brother immediately and things were going surprisingly well. So well, that Aaron went back to work a week early!

A few weeks into my “fourth trimester”, I started to feel different. My emotions were all over the place and I caught myself just wanting to zone out and not do anything. This is not possible when you have 2 under 2 and a husband. I was going from 0-100 very quickly and getting SO frustrated and angry over things that, usually, I could have handled just fine. I tend to have a short temper to begin with… that’s just my personality sometimes. I know how to handle it and I know, most times, when and how to shut it down. Right now, I can’t find the strength to do that. I will, KNOWINGLY, be so frustrated and angry toward Aaron… over something that isn’t his fault, but can’t seem to come down from that extreme feeling of red. I catch myself feeling so incredibly aggravated at my children that I feel SO guilty as soon as I come back down from it. How can I feel so agitated with them? All they want is my love and attention. GUILT.

I don’t feel depressed…I don’t feel sad. I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and at times… angry. Then there are times where I just feel completely numb. I just want to be left alone. I just want to sleep. I just want silence. I never knew that anger could be a symptom of PPD until I read a blog by an old friend, actually, my first friend EVER, Amanda. If you’d like to read hers click here. 

Before I went to college and became educated on mental health, when someone said PPD, I thought.. oh man, that means the mom wants to harm herself or her baby. That isn’t always the case. I love my children. Although I get so frustrated and overwhelmed at them sometimes, I would never in a million years consider harming them. That isn’t always how PPD presents itself. PPD can present itself in many ways, anger being one of them. I do feel that my hormones are definitely out of whack and that this will get better through time. That is my personal opinion about MYSELF and how I am feeling. If you feel this way, you should ALWAYS talk to your doctor. Not everyone is the same and just because I plan to take this on without medication for as long as I can, doesn’t mean that should be the case for everyone. PLEASE seek out help from a provider. Make no mistake, I’m not going to sit here and not do a thing about it. I need to take action. I plan to go back to seeing my therapist. I used to love going and I feel that it will help me substantially.

Again, if you are struggling with PPD, depression or anxiety, please reach out to someone. Talk to your doctor. Talk to a therapist. Seek help and help will be given! There is no reason to suffer in silence until it becomes insufferable.

One thought on “An Overlooked Symptom of Postpartum Depression

  1. I think it is so brave of you to open up and share your feelings with your readers as you have in this blog post. It’s even more brave of you to actually admit that you realized you were going through a depressive state, most people wouldn’t even get to that point. I’m very glad that you are seeking help, that it the most important thing. Trying to find ways to cope with it and make it better, I feel is the most difficult thing and you are tackling it. Best of wishes on your journey to full mental health!

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