This is going to be a little difficult for me to write. As a psychology major, I learned a lot about how to cope with stress and anxiety. Writing it all down has a way of freeing yourself from the feelings you want to keep pushing away. The reason I went to college and majored in psychology was because of how much I struggled with anxiety my entire life. I wanted to learn about the brain and how it works. Why do people do what they do? Why do people feel how they feel?
I have come such a long way from how I used to be. Since I have become a mom, I have been in the best mental state I have ever been in. I found an inner strength I never knew I had; a confidence I never knew existed. I never wanted my children to see me the way I used to be. Although it was my reality, I am determined for them to see me cope with stressors in a healthy, productive way.
The first couple of weeks that Weston was here, were completely and utterly exhausting… as expected! But mentally, I felt great. I felt so proud of myself for achieving the VBAC I have worked for. The initial transition from 1 to 2 went smoothly. Peyton fell in love with her baby brother immediately and things were going surprisingly well. So well, that Aaron went back to work a week early!
A few weeks into my “fourth trimester”, I started to feel different. My emotions were all over the place and I caught myself just wanting to zone out and not do anything. This is not possible when you have 2 under 2 and a husband. I was going from 0-100 very quickly and getting SO frustrated and angry over things that, usually, I could have handled just fine. I tend to have a short temper to begin with… that’s just my personality sometimes. I know how to handle it and I know, most times, when and how to shut it down. Right now, I can’t find the strength to do that. I will, KNOWINGLY, be so frustrated and angry toward Aaron… over something that isn’t his fault, but can’t seem to come down from that extreme feeling of red. I catch myself feeling so incredibly aggravated at my children that I feel SO guilty as soon as I come back down from it. How can I feel so agitated with them? All they want is my love and attention. GUILT.
I don’t feel depressed…I don’t feel sad. I feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and at times… angry. Then there are times where I just feel completely numb. I just want to be left alone. I just want to sleep. I just want silence. I never knew that anger could be a symptom of PPD until I read a blog by an old friend, actually, my first friend EVER, Amanda. If you’d like to read hers click here.
Before I went to college and became educated on mental health, when someone said PPD, I thought.. oh man, that means the mom wants to harm herself or her baby. That isn’t always the case. I love my children. Although I get so frustrated and overwhelmed at them sometimes, I would never in a million years consider harming them. That isn’t always how PPD presents itself. PPD can present itself in many ways, anger being one of them. I do feel that my hormones are definitely out of whack and that this will get better through time. That is my personal opinion about MYSELF and how I am feeling. If you feel this way, you should ALWAYS talk to your doctor. Not everyone is the same and just because I plan to take this on without medication for as long as I can, doesn’t mean that should be the case for everyone. PLEASE seek out help from a provider. Make no mistake, I’m not going to sit here and not do a thing about it. I need to take action. I plan to go back to seeing my therapist. I used to love going and I feel that it will help me substantially.
Again, if you are struggling with PPD, depression or anxiety, please reach out to someone. Talk to your doctor. Talk to a therapist. Seek help and help will be given! There is no reason to suffer in silence until it becomes insufferable.