30 weeks pregnant today and definitely feeling it! In the beginning it felt like I was going to be in early pregnancy forever. I still couldn’t imagine myself being this pregnant and here I am. We started getting gifts from people who unfortunately, won’t be making it to my baby shower and it is so crazy to get things that Peyton will be using! It has truly been an incredible experience so far and I feel so grateful. As most of you know, this pregnancy was pretty difficult to achieve. I always knew that once we were finally successful, I would have a different type of appreciation for pregnancy. I absolutely do. At the same time, I know it sounds weird especially at this point, but it still feels unreal to me. I didn’t expect to feel the way I do. I always assumed I would just feel overjoyed and blessed (which I do, don’t get me wrong). If I’m going to be open and honest, which is what I do with you all, I also feel a sense of denial and a sense of uncertainty. Let me explain.
This baby is moving and growing and changing my body in ways I never imagined. I love her. How can it still feel unreal to me? It stems from infertility and the way my brain works. I haven’t really talked to anyone about this except for Aaron, but I’m going to now. In my life, I always felt like when something good would happen to me, it would come at a price. For example, the day we put an offer in on our house, which was supposed to be the happiest day ever for us, we got the dreaded phone call from the doctor that having a baby would be an uphill battle for us. When I opened my acceptance letter to USF, I was on the phone with Aaron talking about possibly breaking up. Hopefully that explains what I’m talking about. I know it sounds silly because those situations and the others I didn’t talk about are probably really shitty coincidences. But sometimes experiences like those shape your thinking in a negative way. When our wedding went perfectly and our honeymoon went even better than perfect, I was almost anticipating something bad happening. It never did, which should have reshaped my thinking a little bit. So when we finally conceived, I was SO FEARFUL for the first trimester that it was driving me crazy. I felt like my brain didn’t want to dive into the experience fully, in fear of something bad happening. Hesitation. I still have that sense of fear. It isn’t as consuming, but it’s there. That type of thinking in combination with the normal “I can’t believe I’m actually going to be a mom” feeling, has my brain in a whirlwind. Now that I got that off my chest, I have to get something else off too.
My little Peyton,
One day you will read these updates, just how I planned. You will come across this one and read what I just wrote and you may feel a little confused. Let mommy explain a little more. Although all of that is true up there and mommy’s way of thinking is silly sometimes, you also need to know first that you were SO wanted and longed for… for a long time. Your dad and I shed tears after tears and felt frustration after frustration when you weren’t ready to come to us yet. We were willing to do whatever it took to get you here. We were never going to give up no matter what any doctors said. When we finally found out that you were going to be a reality, we were in so much disbelief but the joy we felt was indescribable. I’m sitting here writing this as you are wriggling around inside my body and it is my favorite feeling. I’m going to miss this. But you know what? This feeling I have now, will NEVER compare to the bond and love we will share when you are here in my arms. I can’t wait to finally meet you and get to know the beautiful human being you are going to become. What I do know now, is that you are strong and you make mommy hurt sometimes with how hard you kick. You LOVE music, especially one Latin song lol. You love the sound of your daddy’s voice already and he loves YOU so much already. You have a big family out here who love you so much and can’t wait to meet you. They are a little nuts, but by the time you read this you’ll already know that 😉 When mommy and daddy found out you were a girl, we were in tears of joy. I quickly realized, though, that we would have a little more work to do. We need you to know that you are beautiful, inside and out, no matter what anyone says. That you are loved, valued and worthy. That every human life has the same amount of worth, no matter their position in life. That you always stick up for your loved ones and always show kindness to those who need a little lesson. While staying kind, you don’t take shit from anyone. Never let anyone make you feel less. Your body is your temple, always treat it with respect and dignity. Never judge anyone or anything before you have an understanding. Value your education because it is the most important thing you can have in this life. Always know that your mommy and daddy love you and we will always have your back and will support you no matter what choices you make. I love you more than life, my daughter.
Just to stay consistent 😉
How far along? 30 weeks
Total weight gain/loss? 17, almost 18 pound gain.
Maternity clothes? Yes
Stretch marks? Found little ones on my beeehind.
Best moment this week? Getting things for Peyton 🙂
Miss anything? I think this one should just permanently be a Jimmy John’s sub.
Food cravings? Sweeeeeeets, always.
Anything making you queasy or sick? No
Showing yet? Yes
Gender guesses? No guess! It’s a GIRL! ❤
Belly button in or out? My innie is still hanging in there!
Wedding rings on or off? Off =/ I can wear them sometimes but other times it is hard to take off.
Happy or moody? Moody… 0:)
Looking forward to? My baby shower next week!